


A rose by any other name would certainly make more sense than this

by TiffanyF



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M, Prompt Fic, should be rated "S" for silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 16:12:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11786754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiffanyF/pseuds/TiffanyF
Summary: Prompt: It's spring and Cardiff is being overrun by alien plants





	A rose by any other name would certainly make more sense than this

**Author's Note:**

  * For [badly_knitted](https://archiveofourown.org/users/badly_knitted/gifts).



When the envelope appeared in the tourist office with the morning post, Ianto didn’t think much of it. He had been wanting to start a small garden outside the shop, and thought the seeds would make a good first step. Ianto set the packets to the side, planning to get them in the ground before winter set in, and promptly forgot about them. When found them a couple of weekends later, he decided to go ahead and plant everything while the Rift was quiet and he had a chance to actually try and make the exterior of the little shop look better.

*~*~*

Jack rarely ventured in and out of the tourist shop, and it was only by chance that he spent the night at Ianto’s flat and had to return that way early the next morning. He wasn’t paying much attention to anything around him; more concerned about the alarm that had sounded, waking him up far too early in the morning, and that was the only reason he didn’t notice the plants outside the door until fire licked his left hand. “What the hell?” Jack jumped back in shock, his gun in his hand as he looked around.

There was something moving in the flowerbeds, but Jack couldn’t tell what it was in the muted lights from the shops up above him. Jack decided it was smarter to go in another way and come back with a torch. He backtracked to the invisible lift and headed down into the Hub.

“Ianto?” he asked. Jack knew he shouldn’t have been surprised, but he had left his lover asleep back at the flat.

“There is an increase in alien life, Sir,” Ianto said, holding out a cup of coffee. “None of our detectors can seem to agree on what type of life it is, but it is not moving around much.”

“Where are the others?” Jack asked, sipping the coffee.

“Tosh has called and said she will be here as soon as she can, but I have yet to hear from Owen or Gwen,” Ianto said. “What do you want to do until they get here, Sir?”

“Actually, get a torch,” Jack said. “Something up in the flower beds burned me when I tried to come in, and I couldn’t see well enough to figure out what it was.”

“Are you all right, Sir?”

Jack glanced down at his hand. It was still red and stung, but didn’t seem to want to blister up. “Yeah, I’ll be okay,” he said. “Come on, we need to see what’s going on up there.”

*~*~*

“Is there anything you want to tell me, Ianto?” Jack asked, staring at the flowerbeds in the lights from two torches.

“I planted some flowers to brighten up the place?” Ianto said, glancing over at Jack.

Jack sighed. “Ianto, I don’t mind flowers, in moderation, and actually like snapdragons,” he said. “It’s just, in my admittedly limited experience with flowers here on Earth, snapdragons should not actually snap and breathe fire.”

Ianto looked over at the plants. Tiny little dragon faces with glowing red eyes snapped at them, small bursts of fire lighting the scales on their tiny snouts. “They’ll make a nice conversation piece?” he suggested.

“And the tiger lilies?” Jack asked.

“I probably shouldn’t have planted them near the dandelions,” Ianto replied. “I wonder if they’re going to start fighting?”

“Ianto, ignoring for a moment the plants themselves, where did you get the seeds?” Jack asked. He really tried not to look at the little tiger faces, or the lions with bow-ties and top hats on. Jack had a bad feeling that if he went closer, the little leaves would be holding canes.

“They came in the post, Sir,” Ianto said. “I didn’t think much of it because they came from a nursery outside of town as samples, and I had been wanting to plant some flowers out here anyway so it would look a bit happier come spring.”

Jack sighed. “Do you have the address for this nursery?” he asked. Movement caught his eye and he swung the torch in the general direction. “Foxes?”

“Foxglove, I believe you will find,” Ianto said. “I didn’t plant that one, Sir.”

“I think we need to go talk to whoever it is that runs this nursery and ask them a few questions, starting with where the hell they’re getting their seeds,” Jack said.

“I wonder what we feed them?” Ianto said.

“Ianto, time and place!” Jack exclaimed, pushing his lover back down the walk towards the invisible lift. While he could agree the plants would be decent guardians for their base, he didn’t want to think about the hospital bills from burns and bites. They would have to find a way to either repot the plants or get rid of them for good.

*~*~*

Owen and Gwen were still missing when Jack and Ianto walked back into the Hub, but Tosh had arrived and was at her computer. “There’s a lot of alien life out there,” she reported. “I’ve never seen anything like it before.”

“If it’s anything like the flowers we have outside our tourist shop, no one has,” Jack sighed. “Ianto thinks he knows the point of origin for us, so we’re going to go and check it out. Have you heard anything from Owen or Gwen?”

“Owen’s in London until tonight,” Tosh said. “Some sort of conference or another. Gwen I’m not sure of, but I’ll give her flat a ring.”

“Thanks, Tosh,” Jack said. “Ianto and I are going to go check this plant nursery out and see if all the plants they stock are alien or if there’s something else going on that we need to know about.”

“I’ll keep monitoring from here,” Tosh said. “There’s always plant poison, if it comes to that.”

Jack sighed. “They’re actually kind of cute, in a very unsettling way,” he said. “I would hate to have to kill them if they’re just guilty of falling through the Rift.”

“Then I’ll start trying to figure out ways to get large pots delivered,” Tosh said. “I know shoving them back through the Rift doesn’t guarantee they’ll get home again, but it might give them more of a chance than being here would.”

“Ianto’s probably going to want to put some in his hot house,” Jack sighed, rubbing his forehead. It was still too early to be dealing with an invasion of alien plants. “Stay close to the radio, Tosh. I’ll call in when we know more.”

“Sure, Jack,” Tosh said with a smile.

Ianto appeared and handed Jack a large travel mug. “I have the address, Sir,” he said.

“Then you drive, Ianto,” Jack said. “I want to find out exactly where these plants and seeds came from, and honestly, I’d prefer to do it before Cardiff wakes up and we’ve got to put retcon in the water supply.”

“Again,” Ianto muttered, heading towards the garage.

*~*~*

“I think whoever set this place up might have ended up as food for their own plants,” Jack commented, when he got a look at the tangle of plants around what had once been hot houses. “Either that, or there’s been a mass escape effort put in place, and Cardiff is their next point of growth before they launch an attack on either London or the world.”

“I think that we missed something back in the fall,” Ianto said. He pulled to a stop a fair distance back from the moving plants. “These were either brought in by spaceship, or something major came through the Rift without us realizing it.”

Jack sighed. “I would hope we would notice a spaceship, but depending on the time of day, and the approach it took, it’s possible it could have come in under our tracking programs,” he said. “So if these plants did come in on spaceship, does that mean it’s some sort of attack on the planet, or did their supply escape their control?”

“The seeds came in the post, which speaks to some sort of organization,” Ianto said. He handed Jack one of the small cooking torches. “Hopefully these plants hate heat and this will be enough to keep them back from us while we’re trying to find some answers.”

“I’d like to take anyone inside alive, if they are still living, but I will shoot to kill if they decide we’re a threat,” Jack said. “Ready to do this?”

“As ready as I’m going to be, Sir,” Ianto sighed.

The pair left the safety of the car and headed towards the moving mass of plants which, in the darkness, looked more threatening than anything either Jack or Ianto had seen in a while, and they had both had to battle that oil monster that came out of the Quay a couple of weeks before.

“I don’t think I shall ever look at spider lilies the same way again, Sir,” Ianto said, moving to one side quickly.

“There’s also some cat tails here, Yan,” Jack said. “But no cat heads, at least that I can see. I wonder how they’re twitching?”

“I am starting to notice a bit of a pattern, Sir,” Ianto said. “Every plant seems to be a variation of an Earth plant with an animal name. Do you know how many plants we have here with animal names?”

“No idea, Ianto,” Jack said.

“I don’t either, but I think we can hope that this is not a representative sample of the plants that do,” Ianto said. He paused for a minute. “Did you hear that, Jack?”

Jack glanced over his shoulder. “Hear what?”

“I would swear I heard someone say ‘I am Groot’,” Ianto replied. “Maybe I’m just hearing things.”

“I suppose it’s possible the plants can talk, but it seems unlikely at best,” Jack said. “I honestly think this is weird enough as it is.”

Ianto looked over and swatted at a long frond that was attempting to grab him. “I think I might have found a plant that is one the same wave length you are,” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s attempting to grope my ass,” Ianto said, swatting at the frond again. 

“You’ve got fire in your hand, you know,” Jack said, looking around as best he could in the moving mass of plants, and the darkness. “Just burn the plant and keep going.”

“I’d rather not show the fire power until we absolutely have no other choice,” Ianto said. “Are you seeing any signs of life other than these plants?”

Jack shook his head. “Not so far. I just don’t get it, Ianto. Why would they bring all these seeds here, plant these plants and then bugger off and leave everything to go wild?” he asked. “Are they hoping to come back and take over once the plants have eaten us or something?”

“I suppose it could be a start to attempt to take over the world with plants they need to survive,” Ianto said. “I don’t know why they would have chosen Cardiff as their launching point, well, unless they need the energy from the Rift to start these plants, or keep them growing.”

Jack paused and looked back at Ianto. “That’s not a bad thought, actually,” he said. “Do you think we have cell service out here?”

“I don’t see why not,” Ianto said. “Unless the plants have some sort of magnetic element we don’t know about.”

“I want to see if there’s any change in the readings overnight, or in the past month,” Jack said. He tucked his regular torch under his arm and dug out his cell phone. “Hey, Tosh, can you take a look back at our Rift energy for the past few weeks and see if there’s been any change?”

“Sure,” Tosh said. “So, I finally managed to reach Gwen. She’s in London with Owen and won’t be back until tomorrow.”

“So we’re it then,” Jack sighed. “Ianto and I are finding plants with traits mirroring their animal names, like snapdragons and cat tails. Can you also do a search to find out how many plants have animal names?”

“Of course,” Tosh said. “Is there any human or humanoid life out there?”

“Not so far, no,” Jack said. “None of this is making any sense, Tosh. Ianto thought they might be attempting to take over the planet with the plants they need to survive and are going to come back once the plants have taken control of the planet.”

“Ignoring for a moment the idea of plants in control of a planet, why do you need the readings on the Rift energy?”

“Cardiff isn’t a good launching point for an alien invasion, but we’ve got the Rift energy,” Jack said. “Ianto again. I think we need to see about giving him a raise when this is all over with.”

“That would be nice, Sir,” Ianto said from behind a large plant. “I’m not certain what this one is, but it’s friendly.”

“Tosh, hang on a second, I’ve got to go rescue Ianto from a plant,” Jack said. He put his phone in his pocket and went towards Ianto. “I think this is a peacock something or other, Ianto. Is it going to let you go, or do we have to burn it?”

“It’s just being friendly, Jack,” Ianto said. 

“I would still feel better if it let you go,” Jack said. “Especially given the size of that vine around your chest.”

Ianto ducked down and slid out from behind the vine. “I’m really starting to wonder if the plants aren’t just lonely, Jack,” he said. “We didn’t try talking to them before we came in here.”

“I can’t think of anything better to do,” Jack said. “Let me see what readings Tosh has if you want to try talking with them.”

“It might work,” Tosh commented when Jack was back on the phone. “I mean, humans talk to their plants all the time, why shouldn’t it work on alien plants?”

“I’ve seen stranger,” Jack said. “What do you have for me, Tosh?”

“Rift energy has been higher since last fall, but a steady rate so none of us would have noticed, and the monitoring equipment wouldn’t have picked up on it,” Tosh said. “When do you think these plants arrived here?”

“The time is about right,” Jack said. “Do you think Rift energy would have helped not only keep them alive through the winter, but helped them to grow?”

“Uhm, Jack, I think I’ve found the leader,” Ianto said. “There’s a hedgehog cactus over here that seems to have the most information and is actually able to speak.”

“Tosh, I’ll call you back,” Jack said. “Ianto, what does he have to say?”

“They were brought here by aliens to their world and don’t know why, but they just want to get home,” Ianto said. “They don’t want to hurt anyone and actually find it to be cold here, so they’re in pain.”

“Tell him we can attempt to send them all home, but I can’t guarantee the Rift taking them to the correct planet,” Jack said. “But if they stay here, there’s a risk they’ll be killed, and I’d rather not risk that if we can help them.”

“Do you think we could manage to find them a planet that is warmer with energy equal to the Rift?” Ianto asked. “I’ve explained about the Rift and how unpredictable it is, and they’re willing to risk it if we can at least try to send them to a good planet.”

Jack sighed and rubbed the back of his head. “I guess we can try,” he said. “Are they all in pots or are we going to have to plant them to be able to move them to the Rift?”

“They’re all in pots, but some of the pots are really large,” Ianto said. “I think this is probably more than we can handle on our own, Jack.”

“There’s that moving company we’ve used before,” Jack said.

“Do we really want to get them tied up in this?” Ianto asked.

“I don’t know that we really have much of a choice,” Jack replied with a deep sigh. “I’ll start making the phone calls and get Tosh to look for a planet that will be safe for them.”

Ianto nodded. “I’ll explain everything and start seeing if I can get everyone some sort of brace for the move,” he said. “There has to be some sort of stakes around this place somewhere.”

*~*~*

By the end of the next day, the moving project was finished and most of the plants were sent through the Rift. A few opted out of relocation for places in Ianto’s ever-growing hothouse in the Hub.

“They do sort of grow on you, don’t they?” Jack asked, feeding the snapdragons. “Do they have names, do you know?”

“If they do, they have yet to share with me,” Ianto replied. He was petting the hedgehog cactus. “I guess there’s some sort of telepathic link between them still, and the other plants made it to a safe planet where they were welcomed.”

“That’s good to hear,” Jack said. “We need to get some more retcon made and put into stock, Ianto. I hate using it in the water supply like we just did, but it’s the surest way to reach everyone.”

“It’s too bad it doesn’t mix well with beer, I think we might have a better chance of reaching all the adults,” Ianto said. “Then kids talking about it would be put off to imagination.”

“I’m sure we’ll be able to figure out something one of these days,” Jack said. “Maybe there’s something better out there that we can use in place of retcon. Something with less risk.”

Ianto looked over. “We could always ask your mystery friends for help, you know,” he said. “I’m sure there is something they know about that we don’t, and that we could use.”

“I’ll have to send them a note and ask,” Jack said. “That’s not a bad idea, Ianto.”

“That’s good to know, Sir. Maybe now we can talk about the raise?”

Jack looked over and grinned at the look on Ianto’s face. “I think we can figure something out,” he said.


End file.
